Wandering Thoughts...

2009-06-19T16:05:00.000-07:00

When I do what I do because I want to and not because I have to, of course its fun, but otherwise, domesticity kills me.

Symbols

2009-04-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

When one of my colleagues brought back a couple of lucky charms from Beijing, I picked the symbol of success over relationship. I cant believe this is me!

Inner Voice: It's ok honey, you are not 20...

Gotta go!

2008-10-28T13:29:00.000-07:00

Soon after I bought my current cam, there was a trip to San Diego planned. Actually, now I don't know which was planned because of which. Anyway, so I had a week to 'prepare' before we left and I sat and read the camera guide completely day and night so much so that ogiedogie made fun of me about how he never saw this kind of dedication during my Masters! Operated the camera a bit with him being my subject about which he was very happy, but not so much with the result! I crammed up aperture/shutter speed settings for different conditions of light and times of day and thought I am going to come out with amazing pics. (More about what happened to the pics on this trip in some other post).

San Diego was a long drive (the others will kill me for saying this since I did not drive at all :P). Crashed at midnight, expecting to wake up after a deep sleep of atleast 8 hours. Unfortunately, San Diego, rather 'gotta go's'(our host) place is quite prone to fire! I am laughing as I write this....we were woken up at 5 in the morning by our host who forced us to get out of the house. He reminded me of a military officer commanding us to get up or get our ass kicked! He was standing there (he looked intimidating especially since we were all sprawled on the floor and he looked like a giant towering over us) with his hands on his hips and trying to wake us up. I turned and looked at him with half open eyes and I could hear him saying...gotta go...

It took a whole lot of time for all of us to realize why we were on the streets at the wee hours of morning. Fire Alarm! While rubbing my eyes and cursing everyone in the world for disturbing my sleep, I realized it was a false alarm. After going back and squeezing into the comforter, it wasnt another 2 hours and I could hear a buzzing sound that started irritating me until it got louder and louder...and then we realized it was another fire alarm! Most unique experience...but not so pleasant. This time, after we all assembled outside, I took out my cam to capture this very eventful moment. Ya, I had to save my precious cam this time (just in case it was a real fire)! Its a different story that I didn't bother getting hold of my other valuables...

Oh...ya, the second time was a false alarm too. $@$@$^!#$#% So much for my sleep!

2007-08-20T19:44:00.000-07:00

Some other time,
Some place else,
Some other day,
Some other phase of life

Not now...not now
Bring him again another day

When things go right, but at the wrong time...u know how it is, dont you? Things are still wrong. But, when things go wrong at the right time, there is still scope for fixing it.

I don't even know which one this is. There is no hope for me!

Wish two things didn't happen at the same time in life.

What was that?

2007-07-30T14:01:00.000-07:00

Time : 3.30 AM

Background: Slept at 1 AM after reading a novel, woke up at 3 and was lying awake for about 2 mins before I got a call from my friend for whom I had to open the door. After the hi hellos how was your day, I went to sleep and was lying there on the bed thinking about the day that had gone.

Event: I hear someone singing, a slight hum, one of my fav songs. My friend is fast asleep next to me. I wonder for a few seconds before realizing where it was coming from. It was me! I got up in my bed in shock and it stopped. I was singing and I was thinking of something else at the same time and only the part that was thinking was the part of me that I could consiously relate to. And I somehow know that while I was shaking it all off in my head, I had a smile on my face.

One of the weirdest expriences. To feel like you are two people.

Contract

2007-07-25T21:11:00.000-07:00

From six months to a lifetime. Difference lies in one stupid contract thats currently not 'extendable' by one party.

The Plan

2007-07-20T19:47:00.000-07:00

2 dogs (coz she loves labradors and he pugs)

2 TVs (coz he'll want to change to the sports channel and she wont let him change)

2 laptops (coz she is addicted to movies and he prefers opening gmail to find someone to chat)

2 accounts (coz she is a calculating freak and he will let her be)

2 closets (coz she is an organizing cleanliness obsessed maniac and he could care less about his clothes dumped inside the closet)

2 sets of kitchen dishes (coz he loves non veg and she wont let him cook using her vessels)

...they might as well live separate!

Roger Waters!

2007-07-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

You rocked!

All fears of being flung into the past when you played were just fears afterall...

Reality - enjoyed WYWH, good music, fried dough, the lawn, the bare sky (with 3 lone stars) and ogiedogie's company.

2007-07-19T22:13:00.000-07:00

when everything seems perfect
you still search for a defect
You are looking for a reason
just so you can find someone new this season

My idiot...when will you learn to settle?

Thought

2007-06-11T15:42:00.001-07:00

I was thinking about how when we are younger, we deny that we crave for attention and half the stupid things we do are because of the same reason, while now, after reaching a more mature (no comments encouraged for this word coming from me) age, we are more comfortable about accepting things like these. And its funny that I don't even want as much attention or approval anymore.

Hmm...That is all I was thinking about.

New Look of the Blog

2007-06-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

BLACK

Reason?

Black is beautiful
Black is suave
Black is sexy
Recently heard Black saves energy (visit www.blackle.com/about)
And of course because I love Black

Blah Blah Blah

2007-06-07T14:49:00.000-07:00

This is a totally random post because first I want to talk about how half the reason I came back into blogging was the need for attention from all the random people who used to read my blog earlier and then now I am going to tell you how much I miss the bandi wala near my old house in Vidyaranyapura (B'lore) who used to make amazing unique chats with things like nippat, peanuts, biscuits, kodbale, kurkure and what not.

Man! Is that like a long sentence or a long sentence! I have this habit of trying to put everything into one sentence. One of my friend's friend had a bad time figuring out what the heck I was trying to say over phone. Since it was the first time (and the last till now) we ever spoke to each other, he just politely (didn't seem to me then) asked me to repeat (twice) and then let it go (by just handing the phone over to my friend without any warning).

That's another habit of mine...the whole bracket thing to express my opinion about every word here and there in the long sentences, the whole thing just leading to an even more confusing piece of writing. Not to mention the growing physical length of these sentences owing to the ellipses...

See, there I go again!

Anyway, I didn't even remember to go there (to the chat place, I lost track when I re-read it too) this winter when I was back home. I loved my house there and my current house doesn't measure up to it in anyway. I wish we had stayed on there and I still had Minchu (my cat, ya I really don't know why I named him that, btw that means lightning) and the shoe flower tree and the small patch of lavender lilies in the driveway and the huge terrace (seriously, I hate US for not having houses with terrace) and the compound and the gate on which Minchu used to (cat)walk and the mesh on which passion fruit ivy grew. Not to mention the much calmer roads and easily accessible stores.

But, I definitely do not miss the lizards. If I have to be thankful for my new house, thats probably the only thing. I do not miss them falling on me or jumping out of the cloth I used to remove off my comp. The only person who enjoyed them was Minchu because he had loads of fun trying to chase them by running after them on the floor or trying to climb walls or even assume that he can fly up to the tube light to get one of them! Of course I had fun watching him perform his amazing (unachievable) feats and then look at me with innocent disappointed eyes.

I just realized that most of my posts are about the past and how much I miss certain things...sigh...have to learn to live in the present!!

And oh ya...about the first thing I started off about, what I wanted to say was that I am desperate, so please comment. (Atleast I'll know somebody noticed I am back)

Old things

2007-06-04T10:03:00.000-07:00

When I go through the list of things that need to be done, I can only see the list growing and absolutely nothing getting ticked off. So many years of making these small chits of paper where I write down every small little single thing that needs to be done (I think the only things I skip are brushing teeth, eating food, bathing and sleeping, which probably explains why I skip bath once in a while) hasn't taught me that they are quite useless.

The more you pen down, the more it gets erased out of your memory and just boils down to a function of how often you look at the list and how willing are you to act on any one of them right away, because again, after a couple of hours, its all gone from the head.

When the semester ended, I was cleaning up my book shelf and I found a couple of them among my papers. I even found one list that had the names of all the people to call before I left India which was one and a half years ago! The best part is I remembered the day I had made that list. My best friend had come home to spend some time with me and she had offered to help by writing down the names for me while I was going insane with the amount of things that needed to be done. And when I look at that list, it reminds me of her lying down lazily on my bed with two pillows up against the wall and the countless memories we had revived and were laughing about, ad mist me freaking of course!

And, so the list went back among the endless pieces of papers I have preserved, either because they have the handwriting of a loved one or because they have ring sizes drawn which were taken without their knowledge, or because my name appeared along with someone else I had a crush on in one of the school official announcements or simply because those gibberish written words remind me of a particular phase of life.

While my mom used to threaten to throw away all the junk I collect, I discovered a big old leather bag in the attic which had all of my mom's memories on paper!! Greeting cards, letters, postcards and photographs that she didn't want to share. All she does is give me a sheepish smile and then I knew where I had got this habit of collecting things.

And still, it was required to give strict clear warnings to people at home about handling all my stuff before I was leaving. I was quite glad and relieved to see everything intact when I went home for vacations this year.

Of course, I scooped up a few more things and transported them here. Obviously, they are absolutely safe only with me!

Language Struggles

2007-06-02T07:05:00.000-07:00

One of my friends struggles to learn Hindi. Even though my room mate tries to be very (very very) patient with him when he comes up with broken incomprehensive sentences (can hardly call them sentences)...both of us eventually burst out laughing.

"Tum kahan maine gaadi kab laa rahe ho" (you say mine vehicle when getting) - This is what he came up with after a full 5 minutes of thinking!

It was absolutely impossible to find out what he was trying to say. Now, after he told us what it was...which was "usne kahan ki uski gaadi kab aayegi" (she asked when she is going to get her vehicle/car), how could anyone stop oneself from laughing!!!

Makes up for a boring Friday afternoon.

Weekend Trip

2007-06-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

First beach visit in US was a huge disappointment. Except for fancy names and fantastic descriptions, there was nothing more there. It looked like a miniature model of a beach, only, a bad replica.

The view was cut by a small piece of land big enough to block what I was hoping to stare into - endlessness. The beach from the road to the water was short, the sand was coarse, the water murky and the one thing that marks a sea, waves...were missing!! It was a man made tank of water with sand sprinkled around it.

So much for Pleasure Bay!

And I remembered and missed my hometown with its beautiful lonely untouched beach. And the evenings spent by the gate watching the light house shine its light turn by turn in each of the four directions. To imagine that the beautiful house might not be there when I go back is just so painful.

Indulgences

2007-05-31T18:32:00.000-07:00

When you spend a little too much on the things that are not considered necessity, but just one of the many ways to satisfy impulses, there are so many things one says to oneself to avoid the guilt. (Its a different matter that I can always show how these small(?) indulgences are a necessity). So, what I told myself when I shopped for...ahem...a considerable sum of money was the excuse that I am being paid double over the summer and hence can afford the luxury.

If only the guilt over weighed the excuses! I went twice more to the mall that week! (Not to mention twice the money I gave away to noble causes such as draping oneself in pieces of clothes that are sewn together in different ways).

And I realized I haven't even got the first paycheck for summer! This realization dawned only when I saw my credit card bill which I hadn't checked for a while. I have never waited so badly for pay day to arrive.

Bah! Its okay. After all, smart (and big :-) ) wardrobes come with a price...

2007-03-04T12:52:00.000-08:00

Hunger in Uganda

And there were no words...

2006-12-11T00:05:00.000-08:00

Having listened to the same advice from three different people in the last month and that same advice vigorously supported by some of my friends, I am in probably the most confused state of my life. It being messy, which is nothing different from the otherwise "nothing is right" state of life, I am only trying to let go of a fantasy.

Turning 24 is not a very pleasant stage in life. Not being in your early twenties is so hard. Just so darn hard! I think I want to be 21 again. 21 was the best year of my life. Last year of college, good friends who were all in the same city, realization of what I actually like in my subject, a job in hand, bike rides, laughter, love, separation, pain, promises...perfect combination!

Right now, this day...three years down the line, still in college, have good friends all living close by, still want to do the same thing, car drives, laughter, separation, pain...the same things, but still everything has changed.

When you are browsing aimlessly

2006-10-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways.
And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery...
Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever.
You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

2006-09-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

How about we meet for some coffee?
I promise I wont look into your eyes
All that they would tell me
Dont worry, I wont listen
We'll sit next to each other
so that you dont have to face pain
Maybe when I bend down on your face
You could turn away and miss that kiss you so need
Maybe when I try to hold your hand
You could slip away yours so that you wont feel

When its low-time

2006-09-15T13:37:00.000-07:00

I am the most pathetic consoler that Nature could have ever created. I truly believe that its an art to pacify someone crying. Most of the times, I pray that the person doesn't breakdown for his and my own good. Selfish you might think, but it has done noone good to cry in front of me. While a comforting shoulder is what one expects, all they get are horribly made up jokes or some crude advice.

Some of the things you might not want to do -

- Hug them - I got the weirdest looks back when I tried this. So, unless they lean forward indicating they literally need your shoulder to cry on, dont try anything. Maybe warning them ahead or imposing on them that they do require a hug would be a good idea.

- Tell them everything is going to be ok - A raised/angry voice -- "If I knew that, would I cry"?, Very-scary stares, intensity of crying increased and many more such disastrous results obtained!

- Tell them eating icecream will make them feel better - Dont you dare laugh at this idea of mine, it works on me! Atleast I thought that the idea would seem absurd enough for the person to smile a little if nothing else. So...point is, not everyone gets excited about food. (I thought it helps to eat more when you are depressed...whoever said that! Seriously, these days there are too many people out there making statements).

- Questioning them - Awww...what happened? - No no no no...never ever ask them this question. It makes them think of what happened and they cry louder. Well, I cant really solve someone's problem unless I know what the problem is, right? Took a few years, but realized that they dont expect you to solve anything.

- Saying "See its not like ...'some other worse possible thing' happened right"? - Ya right, that was very pacifying! If they didn't think this was the worst thing that could happen to them, they wouldn't be in the current state would they! This one got one of the worst reactions. A 'why-am-I-even-crying-to-you" stare followed by the person just walking away into another room!

I guess one of my worst reactions to someone crying was when I couldn't stand this person in so much pain and instead of consoling him, I started crying. It so happened that eventually he ended up consoling me! I am sure he went..."what the ---- just happened"?

I guess if you are like me, not so good with timing and words, the best thing to do would be to just sit there (nod a lil if they are trying to say something) and maybe...maybe hold his/her hand. I think wiping their tears also is an ok. Dont do it often though, trust me, they want to see it drop into their hands or laps or clothes or whatever it is in front of them. And oh ya...saying "Shhhh" also might work.

There are so many people out there wanting to do some good to the world and its people, why don't they start some crash course on how to be a good consoler!

2006-09-14T09:54:00.000-07:00

Two paths to choose from
And I took the one that lead to you
Only to find it an illusion
You were never there,
For you lived in the present and I in the future

2006-09-07T21:39:00.000-07:00

Sleep, Attention, Food, Dance, New Clothes, Cake, Practice...invigorating!

:)

2006-08-11T19:02:00.000-07:00

Ok...after deep, sad, nonsensical, strange and "what the hell was that" kinda posts, time for some normal writings. I tried my hand at writing a poem. Alright alright, laugh all you want, but hey!! I could manage 4 lines that made atleast me think they were funny. So not really bad for a start. Actually, I have written poems before when I was a kid, they were about seas, skies, flowers, pups and birds. The only remotely mature poem that I wrote was about the desert which ran for 16 lines and where I havent made much efforts to make the last words of every two lines rhyme!

Past 15 days flew by, they were happy fun filled days. Thats all it takes...friends around you to make u fall in love with your life all over! Various trips, activities (no comments on the nature of these), some good cooking leading to good food, silly fights, boredom, contemplations, laughter, sharing secrets, some reading, wild dreams in the early morn, party, staring at a star filled sky, finding two shooting stars, people thinking I am out of my mind...what more do you want? (I would have preferred it sans the last one perhaps). Yes! Life is good again!

And oh since "I" thought that the poem about the desert was mature, I sent it to a magazine for publication. So, when I open an envelope that has arrived a few days later expecting to find a check, I see the letter that I have repeatedly seen at different circumstances in my life until now...."We regret to inform you...."! Oh the "regret" letter! We are all quite familiar with that arent we?

Her World

2006-07-22T20:49:00.000-07:00

She lived in her world where she heard noone, she saw noone. The existence of a being in the real world was what a dream is to us. It touched her ever so slightly, but not enough to cause an impression. She was protected, well fed, peaceful and content. She was attached to reality through just a cord.

Then she decided to connect. Mistake. It was just the beginning. She learnt how to feel. She understood fear, misery, pain. She was taught what morals, justice, traditions and rules were. She learnt to hate, to envy. She knew what trust, faith and love were. She suffered, she rejoiced, she sinned, she repented, she failed, she tried harder, she gained, she lost.

She doesnt remember what her world was like, but she knows it was better than the one she is living in.

Sometimes I wish I was still in my mother's womb.