Why me?

"Why does this always happen to me? why me? oh god! why me??"

How often have we said this! Loads of times. Most of the times, we think we are the only ones suffering so much and the only ones all bad things happen to. And that only leads to self-pity! But we never realize that worse things are happening to people around us. That someone could be feeling worse at the same moment and probably wants you to be there for them, want you to be cheerful and happy hoping it'll rub off on them. But what do we do..sulk and sulk about our life!!!

Today there was a shocking revelation that made me realize that somebody else's life is filled with many more problems than mine and problems to which there are no solutions, problems that he has endured for a long long time and has never once cribbed! And has probably needed me to talk to from a long time but has never been able to (either because I am complaining about how my life sucks or I am blabbering all the time because I am excited)! And today, my problems (if you could call them that) seemed so small!

I think we all become insensitive and self-centered quite easily and it takes something to happen to make us snap out of the "me"!

Memories

It's amazing how certain smells, visions, songs take you back in memory lane and you are reminded of incidents, which could cause so much joy that you want to keep thinking about it or so much pain that you want to forget about it, but you can't because these memeories never leave you, they are there in the head and they always come back and you live the pain again and ......again.

You are reminded of people, wonderful people who have done so much for you, who think about your welfare all the time, whose shoulders you can always cry on and in front of whom you are not ashamed or afraid to be weak. These true friends are so hard to find.

At the end of the day, I sit and count the number of friends I have and I dont even want to think about it again. It is depressing! In 21 (+something years) of my life, are these the only friends I could make, the only people I could care enough for, who care for me?

Suddenly at this stage of my life, like sand slipping away in a tightly closed fist, I find people slipping away from my life, maybe there is no point in holding on tighter, maybe its time to pickup new sandgrains and hold on to them gently and with enough care so that they would want to stay there, secure and happy.

Would I ever have those people back in my life? Would I be given another chance?

All about life!

There are some good days and there are some bad days. But have you experienced those days when it is neither...? There are some days that I think are just not in any category. Like the ones that I have right now! I do not know what or how to react to any situation and I am just letting life pass by. Its not exactly boredom. Its beyond that, its a stage when you are fed up of lots of things in your life and no event can make you react in any particular manner. You have given up trying to make things allright, trying to win over people, trying to make better sense of your existence.

I think noone has ever made sense of his/her existence. Do we know why we are here? What is the purpose that we are dropped down to execute? Do we execute it no matter what? Dont they depend on the decisions we take? Will we ever know if we have already done it? I think not! I think there are lot of mysteries that we will never solve, so many secrets we will never be able to unfold. Maybe thats why life is so unpredictable, exciting and beautiful.

There are somethings better left as they are, than being analysed. I realized this since I was constantly wanting something to happen very badly but it now seems like i can live and live happily even if certain things I want (no matter how badly, I want) dont happen. I think its all for a purpose and utlimately I will get what I am destined to. So, I decided to stop analysing why things are going wrong. And moreover life is made up of a lot of small and big things together and does not depend on one thing.

Coming to terms with the fact that we may never get what we have always wanted is hard, really hard, but not impossible. And life doesnt look so bad after all when u finally do come to terms with it. There will always be many more things to look forward to. And that means many more reasons to be happy :-)

Oh god!!! that was so much of crap that I've written! but then what else can you do when people dont want to listen to your thoughts!

Loves me?...loves me not?

It is said that to love and to be loved is like feeling sunshine on both sides.

But for how many of us does it really work out, from the time I have been attracted to boys, it has always worked in a queer way for me! I like someone, but he doesnt even know of my existence and someone else likes me and I develop an aversion towards him! And then the constant efforts to catch that one's attention!! The chupke-chupke stealing a glance, turning back to see what he is doing in classrooms and pretend to be getting a doubt cleared, following him and his friends during lunch break( and getting embarassed when found out, ya, has happened to me!), try to walk next to him and pretend you havent even noticed he's there and behave like every encounter is a coincidence!! And finally find him with another girl outside a theatre!!! Looked like I'd never find someone!!

Why is it that we never want to look at the people who are ready to give us everything they have and keep looking the other way towards someone who doesnt even care? Isnt it so unfair when people fall in love with someone who wont give them back the love?

I think God intended it to be that way! We learn something with every experience; good, bad or ugly! And a heart break can only make you stronger!

There have been so many occassions when I have been dissapointed, depressed and heart broken and I have yearned for someone's love for so long. There have been times when I have known nothing will work out, yet my heart hasnt listened to my mind. I have been the most insensible, irrational creature in love! But when you have waited that long for someone and finally fate decides to make u lucky, I think you treasure them all the more and are more than willing to compromise and go out of your way for them. Maybe its good that sometimes we have to go through pain to experience happiness...