Her World

She lived in her world where she heard noone, she saw noone. The existence of a being in the real world was what a dream is to us. It touched her ever so slightly, but not enough to cause an impression. She was protected, well fed, peaceful and content. She was attached to reality through just a cord.

Then she decided to connect. Mistake. It was just the beginning. She learnt how to feel. She understood fear, misery, pain. She was taught what morals, justice, traditions and rules were. She learnt to hate, to envy. She knew what trust, faith and love were. She suffered, she rejoiced, she sinned, she repented, she failed, she tried harder, she gained, she lost.

She doesnt remember what her world was like, but she knows it was better than the one she is living in.

Sometimes I wish I was still in my mother's womb.

Decisions

What do you do when you are dissapointed with someone? Lash out at him? Ignore him? Teach him? Hate him? Still love him?

A few days back, I saw utter dissapointment in someone's eyes. He is going to live with it his entire life. He doesnt have a choice. I felt he deserved better. There is not a thing I can do now, but maybe if I had taken a particular decision long back, his life would have been altered completely...at the cost of my happiness probably. There has to be always one side which loses. Everyone cannot win. He lost then...and I lost now.

A Photograph

When I picked up a special edition of National Geographic of 100 best pictures, I expected to look at 100 photographs and end up in awe. It was not going to be so. Those 100 pictures made me go through so many different emotions, I dont think I have ever felt all of it within a span of an hour!

The one picture that is going to remain in my memories, is that of a woman from Somalia who looked very close to a skeleton. I cannot forget her bare arm which wasnt covered by her clothes. She wasnt looking into the camera, I wish she was. I wanted to look into her eyes and see what lies there. Desperation? Hunger? Sadness? Frustration? Hope?

Moments like these bring you back to reality. Reality that many of us opt to live out of. While I was talking about it to someone, he made me realize that some things in life, like this photograph does make us come back to reality, but then dont we always go back to our happy world? Its the people who are moved enough to take action that make a diffrence to this world.

There was sympathy, fury, sadness, helplessness and a lot more that I felt, but two days later, I know these feelings wont be as strong. The thought that I am going to continue living my life and die without making any difference to this f***ed up world makes me feel so worthless right now.

Yesterday was something like this.

Eyes opening to the afternoon sun, panic, getting dressed in a record time of 15 mins, one look into the mirror...more panic, almost a heart attack...looked like a drab (see this is why girls need more time to get dressed...for their own good health), realized the extra fast dressing up was nothing to be proud of, sulked for 5 minutes, then realized that there is not one single person in this town who I really care to dress for (ya ya..dont give me the...you should do this for yourself crap...it gets boring when noone notices u when u look all nice and sexy).

Anyway, dragged myself to the lab (ok...not really, went by bus today too...my bike calls out to me every morning, but it says "you need to lose weight..so use me", now that isnt tempting enough for me to get on it, is it?). Sitting in the lab, eagerly waited for the clock to strike 4...why? Coz I was going to finally use the squash racket that has been lying unused for nearly a month (yayy! the things that one derives pleasure from)! Ok...it turned 5 and my friend is still at home...and after 5 I cannot stay in the lab (some rule my mind has made up without consulting me), so I go home.

Then...finally the best thing happens...my friend knocks on the door and she is dripping wet. Before I can react, she drags me out into the rain! So...we take our bikes out (my bike must have been soo happy that I finally rode it) and bike around in the heavy rain around the residential areas...all the way to campus. I smiled at everyone who stared at us from under umbrellas and inside cars! There was nothing or noone I cared about at that instant. I came home dripping and stood in front of the mirror...grey pyjamas sticking to my legs, home slippers on my feet, wet hair that stuck to my odd shaped head, a stupid pink band that held the hair together, green shirt that didnt look too flattering when it clung like that to my body...but, I think I was happy enough to think I looked better than I did in the morning!

Mind Blowing...literally! I saw pieces of his brain scattered around and blood splashed everywhere. I didnt shut my eyes or flinch or puke. I just kept looking and after a full 5 minutes fainted!

And when I woke up, I was in my bed at home and I realized it was just a dream but then my next nightmare wasnt too far away. It was 12 noon and once again I had woken up late...one of these days I am going to be thrown out of my workplace!

...

A deep sadness. Does it exist? Only when I think it does, only when people ask me about you, only when I experience something beautiful and want to share it with you, only when I want my best friend to talk about my fears to, only when you are not around, but only that, thats pretty much all the time...

People...

Studying people is like going into Alice's wonderland...every character is so unique, so strange, the existence of each of them seeps into you and sometimes you dont have a choice but to let some of them affect you. Its the ones that dont matter that turn out to be more interesting because its interesting finding out why they dont like you. Its so much fun to know that you affect them in some way enough for them to stay away from you.

One...two...three...maybe four? What a pathetic life when u r down to counting how many ppl other than family care for u! Oh so what? There are many more people coming into my life right?

Right?

Like they say...you let go of somethings thinking you have lots of time to make that perfect connection with someone...but as you grow older you look back and wonder if you took the right decision...

I wrote this story once about adventure and love and never completed it. Some people reminded me...asking me to complete it, but I think I never can anymore, because one of the things its about cannot be somehow included in the story and the story is just point blank useless without it. I dont want to write another story that leaves you with..."it only happpens in movies and stories" kinda feeling.

Illusions! Sigh...wouldnt want to help others have them.

If you know what I mean...

Good things happen only in movies, stories and to other people!

Wish I knew what would move you...wish I knew why you behave like a stranger...wish I never wondered about you...but I just dont know why some part of my brain still ponders...maybe you succeeded in getting what you want...my attention!

He: Have u been in love?

She: What do u think?

He: I think you have been in and out of it enough times to never fall for it.

She: I wish you were right...about the second part.

huh?

Have u ever felt so many thoughts rushing into ur head that you want to scream out loud "STOP"! But they wont go away, you will anyway think about them all, go crazy, curse yourself, curse all those people, get back to sorting them out, but eventually give up and end up a lil more insane.

And then you wonder why you let it happen to you, but then you dont want to ignore and push away the thoughts to a corner in your mind, because thats the exact thing that you have been doing and you finally want to deal with it.

Final result: Introspection, taking decisions to be stronger, shouting "screw you" to ugly things in life and a multimillion minutes later...thinking that these thoughts are wasting my time, making me think of depressing things so just ignore them! Basically back to square one, I am never going to change!